Since I Last Saw Kaidan Alenko
by siriously mai pane black
Summary: Shepard knows she has chemistry with Lieutenant Alenko, but does she have actual feelings for him? And would a relationship with her subordinate ever be OK? Essentially the latter half of the Shenko subplot, train-of-consciousness style.


_(Note: set during the events of Mass Effect, sometime between the near miss kiss and the wrap-up of the romance plot. Fem!Shep/Kaidan. Spoilers for the first game are inevitable.)_

It's been forty-nine minutes since I last saw Kaidan Alenko.

Fifty minutes since I very nearly kissed him.

And fifty-two minutes since I scolded him for being too serious at the wrong moments.

Getting paged by the pilot is very important business under all circumstances, I concede that wholeheartedly. Even more so under the stressful circumstances - but this isn't the time to discuss those. The point is that Joker was right to butt in, even if the dirty voyeur had been watching the security cameras. And of course I had to... adjourn my private meeting with Lieutenant Alenko. Not doing so would be beyond foolish, and I pride myself on never, _never_ playing the fool.

It's been fifty minutes since I last saw Kaidan Alenko.

I just wish I'd kissed him before I'd gone.

* * *

"Scuttlebutt says he's interested in someone already."

There's no reason those words should have made my stomach turn cold, and yet when they fell from Chief Williams' - may her soul rest in peace - lips, I had to quickly stop myself from allowing instinct to take over and doing my very best fish impression with my mouth gaping open stupidly.

I don't remember what I said. Maybe it was, "Lucky girl, whoever she is." I hope it was, "There's no call to spread unsubstantiated rumours, Williams."

It was probably, "Oh."

I realised only minutes later that this was completely the wrong way to handle it. As I was walking away from Williams, trying to hide my flushing face as best I could, I realised that surely this was a sign that I should feel smug, happy. I mean... Alenko - Kaidan, I reminded myself, it's alright to call him Kaidan - had been acting awfully flirtatious towards me since the beginning of this ridiculous mission, even though he had confessed to feeling the need to cool things down as long as he was under my command. He was being a good soldier. I must be the 'someone' she was talking about.

But what if she meant something else by that?

What if Alenko wasn't just being a good subordinate?

* * *

In the hours that followed, I staunchly avoided Alenko and tried to sort out these feelings. Assuming he had no homosexual inclinations, there were really only four possibilities: Chief Williams, T'Soni, Tali, or myself.

I could eliminate Williams immediately; though she plainly found the Lieutenant attractive, information that I filed away for personal reference, she seemed sincere enough in her claim that he had shown interest in someone else.

Technically neither Tali nor T'Soni were human women, but since I had found myself intrigued by T'Soni from the moment I had met her, I could see how Alenko could find his attention wandering in her direction. He expressed concern that she was too interested in me, but that is no proof of anything. Perhaps he developed interest in her more recently. Perhaps - my stomach did a swandive - he had been jealous not of me, but of her.

Tali I felt I could discount fairly quickly, for not only was she a Quarian (and therefore not human, and unable to remove her suit in any case), she was only a very young one at that. I couldn't imagine that Alenko would be attracted romantically to her frankly juvenile behaviour.

By this point I had roughly convinced myself that he must be interested in either T'Soni or - just possibly, and I was so sure it was just my insecurity making me doubt this, for our chemistry was _tangible_ these last few days - myself. The problem was, I had no way to determine his feelings for sure, and beyond that, my own feelings were all tangled up.

I was turning to Alenko for support more and more often, and enjoying our playful flirtation. I spent hours eying his muscled chest and arms, undressing him with my eyes with my feelings hidden beneath a faint smirk, but did that mean I was _interested_ in him, in anything more than a platonic or, well, physical fashion? I hadn't thought so. It wasn't until I had so plainly faced the idea that maybe he was interested in pursuing a relationship with someone else that the ugly head of jealousy reared. I didn't want to share him, and that was that.

But did I want to be _with_ him?

At that moment, I didn't know. If he weren't under my command, I could consider _sleeping_ with him quite easily. He was a good-looking man, and just my type. My position as his commanding officer was the only reason I had kept our interactions to battlefield flirtation and the advice of a crew member and friend so far.

And yet, I'd never really, not _really_, seen him as a romantic figure before.

Ought I?

* * *

The less said about the events of Virmire, the better. Having been reassured that Alenko was, indeed, as attracted to me as I was convincing myself I was attracted to him, I assumed that once our professional relationship had terminated, then we would begin a guilt-free affair. Until that point, I would have to continue to view him as I had done so far; as a valuable member of the team, but a subordinate like the others, nonetheless.

That decision seemed simpler on paper than in the heat of the moment on Virmire.

I hadn't even thought about my decision until I had grasped Alenko's wrist, pulling him with me towards the Normandy. Blood had been pounding in my ears and I don't think a single conscious thought had crossed my mind in at least an hour, maybe longer. Then, suddenly, it all hit me at once.

_Chief Williams is dead. Kaidan is safe._

When pressed for my reasoning, and every crew member took their turn twisting the knife, I offered every explanation that crossed my mind: Williams was the more experienced fighter, she had a greater chance, however slight that may have been, of successfully extricating herself from a bad situation. Lieutenant Alenko was the superior officer. Alenko had the more urgent duty at that moment and I needed to ensure his successful completion of that mission. _I am the Commander, and I had to make the call._

I offered every possible explanation except one, and yet I feared that this one reason was both the most correct, and the least admirable.

_I have fallen in love with Kaidan._

* * *

It's been fifty-five minutes since I last saw Kaidan Alenko.

No.

I am looking, right now, into the eyes of Kaidan Alenko.

_And I don't know what to do._

I can hear my own voice in my ears, but I don't remember thinking it over first. "Come with me, Kaidan."

I lead him to the most secluded area I can think of on the Normandy - yes, with the least security camera coverage. I have learned (and yet, no, it doesn't occur to me to find someplace in the Citadel - this is my home, now). He's looking at me, expectantly. He's never been here, in my quarters before. I don't know what I brought him here to say. I'm afraid to find out.

I'm not sure whether he moved first or I did, who initiated the kiss, but I'm in his arms and kissing him like I have never kissed a man before in my life. I feel hungry, agitated, like I can't get enough of him. He's much more gentle, but he warms up quickly and tightens his arms around my waist, bracing me against the wall, our bodies pushed so tightly together that it's like we're one.

I can feel, now, that he'd like to be doing much more than kissing. I can feel it, so eager, pressed against my hip. I'm getting excited, too. I don't want this to stop. My hands scrape over his muscular chest, pawing at his civvies, silently begging him to shuck his clothing so we can just get to it.

Maybe it's just my hormones talking. It's been a rough couple of days, we could all use a little R&R.

I pull away and I'm about to whisper something sexy in his ear, even though I've never been particularly good at sexy and I will probably just ruin the mood, but...

No message comes through this time, but I'm startled from the moment just as quickly as if it did. He's looking at me in concern. I pull away, and he releases me, wordlessly.

He starts to ask me what's going on, but I just turn and walk away. I don't want to leave him, and even as my legs start pumping, and I start moving for the exit door all the more quickly, I'm scripting ways to apologise for my behaviour. Maybe he'll forgive me, if this all works out.

* * *

I don't know if I've done the right thing, and I don't suppose I will. Inside, I'm an emotional mess: I'm flying, truly, from knowing that the plan has worked out, both terrified and defiant about the potential repercussions of being the leader of a mutiny... and deeply, deeply unsettled by the prospect of what will happen when we reach our destination. The best thing to do is just to not think about it: I can't do anything about it now, I just have to wait until someone catches up with us, or we land or something.

Suddenly, I can hear a sound across the room.

_It's Kaidan._

My heart starts pounding and I remember the other emotional concern: how am I ever going to explain to Alenko why I walked off in the middle of our... meeting, earlier?

To his credit, and my relief, he doesn't even mention that. He says a few token comforting words, assures me that he knows I'm doing the right thing. I can't help but wonder if there's a hidden meaning in that, if maybe this is his way of telling me that he does forgive me for leaving so suddenly, that he understands that it was a sudden brainwave and I needed to act immediately. He talks a lot about fraternization and how it's not so bad; I wonder if that's been weighing too heavily on his mind, before just now.

I realise, suddenly, that I've only been half-listening to what he's been saying, and now he looks like he's not sure if he should be staying or going. He's being so romantic, and I've only been nodding, smiling encouragingly, but not actually responding in kind. When I look him in the eye again, I freeze up for a moment, and I don't know what to say. Any number of possible responses rise to my lips, but it feels like an eternity before I finally choke out, "Kiss me."

"Is that a command?" He asks, a little cheekily, and I relax a little; I remember our chemistry from before, and my pulse starts racing again. Suddenly, I can't waste any time. I need him.

"You're damn right it is," I reply in my best sexy purr, and even though I never feel like I'm that good at sexy, he seems to respond. I sneak a peek downwards and I have to say, it looks like he needs this right now just as much as I do.

"Be careful, Commander, or I might suspect you of abusing your authority."

A dirty thrill runs up my spine as he pronounces my rank so sexily, and I can't bear it any longer; we embrace tightly, and we kiss again. He doesn't hesitate for a moment as I press my body against his, raising my hips against the proof of his arousal. He runs his hands down my back and picks me off my feet; I respond eagerly and in kind, wrapping my legs around his waist and seizing at his strong back, moaning words of encouragement against him.

Nothing else exists in this moment.

Nothing but us.


End file.
